The reason I sought prayer was because I let my anger get me into trouble. Most people thought I had everything going for me in sports, school and friends. I was a straight A student. I had scholarships to on to college. However, not everything was as good as it seemed. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but I felt miserable all the time. The last couple of boyfriends I had cheated on me and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried or what I accomplished in sports or school I could not shake the feeling that ‘something was wrong with me and I did not matter.’ My world crashed after finding my boyfriend out with my cousin at a party. I walked in and saw them kissing. Rather than confront my boyfriend I focused on my cousin. Within a short period of time, arguing turned to fighting and I hit her really hard in the nose and broke it. Someone saw the blood and called the police. I was arrested for assault and has a restraining order placed on me. Here I was an honor student, with a scholarship for college that would not do me any good if I could not graduate from high school.
When I got prayed with I was asked, “How does it feel that after everything you did for your boyfriend he still wanted to be with your cousin?” At first I felt anger, but, that quickly turned to pain. That was why I worked so hard, to avoid those feelings/beliefs . . . . ‘something is wrong with me . . . . . I don’t matter etc. . .” It seemed no matter how hard I tried to fight back those tears they came anyway. Part of me was relieved because I finally said it out loud. Other memories came to me about feeling the same way for most of my life. It did not take long for my mind to remember starting to feel this way after my parents’ divorce. I must have been 2-3 years old. My dad cheated on my mom with someone he worked with. She was sad and down all the time. At the time I could not understand how embarrassed she was and how hard it had to have been raising four kids under the age of r by herself. When I would go visit Dad we would have pizza, watch movies and stay up late. I though life would always be like this with him so I naturally wanted to stay with him. Somehow Mom agreed to this, however, there was one condition; I would have to wait until Dad his own place and then ‘he would come back for me’. As time went on, he had a new baby boy – his first son. I saw Dad less and less. He would miss birthdays, but he would call with an excuse and I would forgive him. Eventually as you might expect, we gradually saw him less and less and then not at all. Many nights I cried myself to sleep asking myself, “What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I matter?” So later, when someone showed an interest in me, it gave me hope that I did have value. I discovered doing well in school and sports made me feel good about myself, but, but it only lasted a short while so I had to work harder. It felt kind hopeless. They prayed simple prayers: “Lord, did Dad not come back for me because I didn’t matter? Did I cause it? Was it my fault? Was I to blame?” All I heard was, “No! No! No!” I had the sense that he didn’t treat me that way because something was wrong with me; something was wrong with him. It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t bad because I was treated badly. It seemed like I had been thinking about those memories for so long as they prayed with me, but it really wasn’t that long. The feelings seemed gone.
Because I have been able to cover-up those feeling in the past with some kind of success I was worried that something would happen and those painful feelings would come back. This feeling was different. I was asked to try and find the pain when I thought about having no value or something was wrong with me and ‘I couldn’t make myself feel bad.” Something so painful was gone that quick. I was asked to be away of how I was different over the next couple of weeks. I had a strange sense that I was taller now because I did not walk with my head down all the time. I felt more emotionally open and colors seemed brighter. I dressed up more at school because I felt better about myself. I had less anxiety and more peace because I felt ‘OK’ for the first time since I was a little girl. Another first for me was that I broke up with a boyfriend because I know I deserved better. School was more fun because I wanted to learn instead of always trying to prove my worth. I don’t have lots of tension in my neck and I don’t get upset stomachs anymore.